self awareness

i've an exceptionally high self awareness.
some say its too high until i'm paranoid.
well, i guess its true, no point denying it.

I am paranoid, but there's a logical explanation to it. (dont we all say that?)
unconsciously this happens... (tested proven) to alllllllll my friendships/relationships.

when i meet someone new i'm at my best behaviour.
i observe to see wat kinda person he/she is.
found mutual similarities with insignificant differences?
fantastic! immediate buddies
and these differences will be blinded/tolerated

after some time of breaking in the friendship.
wear and tear starts to surface.
i get highly irritable by the slightest issue that was no longer tolerable.
their flaws becomes issues gradually becoming walls.
these walls are barriers that causes friction.

the more friction builds up, sparks fly fire starts.
friendship is scarred.

scarred friendship bounded by hatred/jealousy/hurt
some friendships get mended,
some ignore the issue, pretend nothing happened.
the more severe ones i isolate myself from them.
they deem me as sensitive and they restrain their feedbacks
only presenting the pleasant comments, hiding the criticisms.

and this is when paranoia kicks in. 
i believe that they cant stand me.
they interact with me bcos they have no choice.
their concerns are superficial and not genuine. (always afraid i get offended or i offend them again)
their questions always have underlying motive. 
___________________________________
i know truth and honesty doesnt need to be tactless.
and some truth just doesnt need to be made known.
cos not everyone one can take it. 
but i simply like the honesty.
no matter how blunt.

the more u beat around the bush, i just think u're just wasting my time.
i'm gonna get hurt anyway (by ur comments no matter how beautifully u say it)
so might as well just come clean about how u feel and get straight to the point.

to me beating ard the bush is like slitting my throat and letting me die there suffering.
while brutal honesty is like a shot gun... i die straight away...
and then like a zombie i stand right back up again.

so unless u hate me? dun beat ard the bush, just kill me point blank can?
cos for the most part, i already know wat u're gonna say.
so just shoot.


like i said.... i'm totally self aware...
i just dun seem to change.
that's all....

Getting to know a person in 3 questions

1. Do u have free time?

2. Who do u spend ur free time with most of the time?

3. How many people ask u out just to hang out/lepak/chill with u?

My ans

1. Yes 

2. Alone

3. None

Forbidden to speak

Watch wat u say.

Working in an environment when every word is scrutinized n nit picked.

Innocent conversation can taken  against u n persecute u. 

There r no casual conversations...

Unless u r talking abt senseless rubbish and not anyone can do that. Only people with authority can.

Stress if not from the job it's people relations. 

People who r close to u, who U think r ur best frens turn out to be the people who stab u in the back... 

I just wanna live a simple innocent happy  life 

WHY IS IT SO FREAKING DIFFICULT!!!!

how i drive myself insane

i don't have friends.

friends who will share their lives with other than their family. 

friends who are willing to listen my shit over n over n over again. - bcos i dont call them out, when i do they're not free.

friends who i can talk crap to and nv complain. - bcos our frequencies are different.

friends whos there 24/7. - bcos they have their own lives.

why? u ask?

bcos of who i am.

bcos i'm a loner.

bcos of what i've become.

i think all sorts of things

i think that my family can't stand me

i think my friends cant stand me, those who can don't have much choice.

i think that i'm not good enough

i know that i'm the cause of my downfall

my only friend is one that is not physically present.

people think i'm crazy. i agree.

people tell me forth coming & insensitive. i agree

there is no love, i dont have love.

i have no compassion, cos people tell me i'm self centered and self pitying.

i'm fat, ugly, not smart, rude, cowed, arrogant, bimbotic, unskilled.

i'm chemically imbalanced.

people around me make me feels small.



"every time i look at ur success, it reminds me of how much i have failed. i can't stand being around u anymore."

this is how i see things around me.

this is why i stay away from people. 

the success of others only magnifies my failures.

people tell me not to look at things that way.

but its in my face 24/7 wherever i go.

family & friends settling down, starting family and i'm single.

friends affording expensive meals and i eat at home alone.

friends meet up for drinks n have a good chat and i'm home alone staring at my computer.

u say ask these upon myself. i agree.

i've become a turtle or a frog in a well.

i've nv been able to see things right. cos i made myself abnormal.

why do i have such a poor mental health. why am i not strong. cos i made myself weak n insane.

i protect myself by being a turtle yet i still get hurt.

i tell myself the reason why no one listens to me or be ard me

is cos i'm behaving the way i am. so i retract back into my shell.

i say no one understands me, but neither do i.

i say no one loves me, but neither do i.

i say no one wanna hang ard me, but neither do i.

i know its pointless writing this cos no one reads this blog.

facebook was once liberal now its just constipated.

i needed to ventilate and release but i'm told to be careful what i write.

i seek out an ear but i'm given a shut door.

i want a new person,

a person free from troubles

free from worries,

free from limitation and boundaries.

when & where can i reach this state?

I miss u

Friends from the past I wonder if u see me now will u be able to see the new me or will u look at me with ur stained smeared eyes n judge me for who I was. 

How I long to be that person who enjoy ur company, laughing, joking and being crazy w/o a thought. 

But every time u look at all of u all I see is my ugly self sulking, self pitying, green eyed at the corner. Paralyzed by painful memories is the reason why I sit in silence amongst u now.

My isolation is just my way of telling u I don't wanna hurt u hence I stay away. 

Friends who don't keep in contact very much. I miss u. If u still love me, I'm here waiting for u to open my closet door n tell me it's safe to come out now. 

a life so sickening

when u think that family the only ones u can trust and who really accepts....
they bite back at you and reality smacks you right in the face.

family. the people closes to you.
yet they are the ones who actually detest you the most.

we think of friends who are hypocrites,
but when family are the ones who pretend to be nice to you
when they cant wait for u to get the hell outta their lives.
the pain is unimaginable. 

i can not say i love the family i'm in.
i hate the genes i have with in me that made me who i am
this is also the reason why i will nv have children.
i  do not wanna pass down my disgusting genes to my next generation.

why do family wanna compete with family?
especially with someone younger?
surely the elder one would have the upper hand.

life is SO sickening.
hate it.
why can't it be simpler.
haiz.
cant wait for it to end.

having that said.
no wonder i am alone.

its never too late to grow up.

it suddenly just donned on me that i'm 32 tis year.
i haven't really thought much about the number, let alone associating myself with it.
i embraced the big 3, a year before thinking it would help reduce the fear of the responsibilities that were to come, and i maintained the precarious attitude.


I use to think that could live my life as i please and need not be concerned of things that does not take my fancy. But only just, i have come to realize i must step up my game to meet the ever maturing mindset of the society and the obligations that tags along with it. Compared  to a decade ago, the teens and young adults of today are ripening so quickly. Accepting and taking on pressures 10 times more than those of the carefree past.

it is slowly becoming more apparent that it IS inevitable that we have to take on certain duties that come with age, whatever marital statues you're at.


You must be thinking, saying this at the age of 32 is really very overdue. Yes i admit i discovered that i have a delayed maturity level, and yes it has affected me in some ways but better late than nv right?
Many people at my age are in long relationships or have settled down or even are mothers, but for me they seem so far fetched. it is only recently there was a strong awareness of my motherly instinct emoting thru me.

A bosses once said "when one improves at work, they will naturally be a better person."

This pass year, i have seen with my own eyes and proved myself wrong. Ive seen how my low self esteem caused me my job and pushed my into depression. I've nv had much confidence with the things i'm good at, let alone the things i've nv tried before.

I nv thought i could do the things i dislike, and do them so well. But when i accepted the challenge, i became determined to upgrade myself and change became a second nature. i was even impressed with my own ability to improve as i was lazy and even sure that i will not be able to kick the laziness in me.

I'm happy with where i am now but i know i can be better. I have to be.

wish me luck. :)

reso-WHAT-tion?

Resolution... targets... goals.... blah blah blah.... whatever.

Here are some things i hope to achieve in 2013.

1. Be positive. There's nothing to big my God can not handle. There's nothing to difficult with him i can't do. 
2. Walk with him. Talk to him. WALK the TALK.
3. Let only good things come outta my mouth. esp to my mother.
4. To be discipline. To achieve things i set out to do. From the slightest task to the most critical ones.
5. To set the mark. Be someone one can look up to and follow. 
6. Get out more!! Put myself out there... Only childish people stay indoors n play self pity!! 
7. Love myself... Remind myself I'm good so that I can't the good in people.

They may be general but in all ways specific to every part of my  daily life.

In short be a whole new person. 

The dove - New life.

I hope this acts as a reminder.

Constantly prompting me to keep to it.