how i drive myself insane

i don't have friends.

friends who will share their lives with other than their family. 

friends who are willing to listen my shit over n over n over again. - bcos i dont call them out, when i do they're not free.

friends who i can talk crap to and nv complain. - bcos our frequencies are different.

friends whos there 24/7. - bcos they have their own lives.

why? u ask?

bcos of who i am.

bcos i'm a loner.

bcos of what i've become.

i think all sorts of things

i think that my family can't stand me

i think my friends cant stand me, those who can don't have much choice.

i think that i'm not good enough

i know that i'm the cause of my downfall

my only friend is one that is not physically present.

people think i'm crazy. i agree.

people tell me forth coming & insensitive. i agree

there is no love, i dont have love.

i have no compassion, cos people tell me i'm self centered and self pitying.

i'm fat, ugly, not smart, rude, cowed, arrogant, bimbotic, unskilled.

i'm chemically imbalanced.

people around me make me feels small.



"every time i look at ur success, it reminds me of how much i have failed. i can't stand being around u anymore."

this is how i see things around me.

this is why i stay away from people. 

the success of others only magnifies my failures.

people tell me not to look at things that way.

but its in my face 24/7 wherever i go.

family & friends settling down, starting family and i'm single.

friends affording expensive meals and i eat at home alone.

friends meet up for drinks n have a good chat and i'm home alone staring at my computer.

u say ask these upon myself. i agree.

i've become a turtle or a frog in a well.

i've nv been able to see things right. cos i made myself abnormal.

why do i have such a poor mental health. why am i not strong. cos i made myself weak n insane.

i protect myself by being a turtle yet i still get hurt.

i tell myself the reason why no one listens to me or be ard me

is cos i'm behaving the way i am. so i retract back into my shell.

i say no one understands me, but neither do i.

i say no one loves me, but neither do i.

i say no one wanna hang ard me, but neither do i.

i know its pointless writing this cos no one reads this blog.

facebook was once liberal now its just constipated.

i needed to ventilate and release but i'm told to be careful what i write.

i seek out an ear but i'm given a shut door.

i want a new person,

a person free from troubles

free from worries,

free from limitation and boundaries.

when & where can i reach this state?