self awareness

i've an exceptionally high self awareness.
some say its too high until i'm paranoid.
well, i guess its true, no point denying it.

I am paranoid, but there's a logical explanation to it. (dont we all say that?)
unconsciously this happens... (tested proven) to alllllllll my friendships/relationships.

when i meet someone new i'm at my best behaviour.
i observe to see wat kinda person he/she is.
found mutual similarities with insignificant differences?
fantastic! immediate buddies
and these differences will be blinded/tolerated

after some time of breaking in the friendship.
wear and tear starts to surface.
i get highly irritable by the slightest issue that was no longer tolerable.
their flaws becomes issues gradually becoming walls.
these walls are barriers that causes friction.

the more friction builds up, sparks fly fire starts.
friendship is scarred.

scarred friendship bounded by hatred/jealousy/hurt
some friendships get mended,
some ignore the issue, pretend nothing happened.
the more severe ones i isolate myself from them.
they deem me as sensitive and they restrain their feedbacks
only presenting the pleasant comments, hiding the criticisms.

and this is when paranoia kicks in. 
i believe that they cant stand me.
they interact with me bcos they have no choice.
their concerns are superficial and not genuine. (always afraid i get offended or i offend them again)
their questions always have underlying motive. 
___________________________________
i know truth and honesty doesnt need to be tactless.
and some truth just doesnt need to be made known.
cos not everyone one can take it. 
but i simply like the honesty.
no matter how blunt.

the more u beat around the bush, i just think u're just wasting my time.
i'm gonna get hurt anyway (by ur comments no matter how beautifully u say it)
so might as well just come clean about how u feel and get straight to the point.

to me beating ard the bush is like slitting my throat and letting me die there suffering.
while brutal honesty is like a shot gun... i die straight away...
and then like a zombie i stand right back up again.

so unless u hate me? dun beat ard the bush, just kill me point blank can?
cos for the most part, i already know wat u're gonna say.
so just shoot.


like i said.... i'm totally self aware...
i just dun seem to change.
that's all....