tWEnty tWElve ~ tHaNks g!v|Ng

its never too late to give thanks to our Heavanly Father for the wonderful year that passed.
Many reflections confesses of tough and trying times, but its was an amazing journey the past 365 days.

I can not be more thankful to Jehovah for the many gifts presented to me since January 2012 (even since way back in Dec 2011).

1. my new job - having a stable job, gave me a sense of security. A dependent, a motivation, and self worth.
2. new colleagues - i could not ask for better colleagues, yes there are worse people out there and i being one of those weird-ass nit-picking anal bitches.
3. my bosses - 3 of the most understanding, tolerant, supportive and encouraging superiors. (in public sector really hard to find la)
4. my salary / finances - its really amazing how i controlled and managed my finances this whole year. i was astound by my ability to be able to save for my Korea trip and still provide for my mum with my meager pay.
5. my major office breakdown - without this breakdown i wouldn't have been able to motivate myself and push myself to greater heights. I would nv know that i could achieve so much more. If i gave up and let live, i'd just be where i was for the past 3 decades, in the ruts. so yeah, Thank God for the down times cos i really needed that propulsion. But most importantly Thank GOD for those people who were there for me when i was down. (MARC, SHEREEN, FRED, MUM, MY FAMILY and CoVo)
6. my mother's patience - is it not only complex, and also tiring for one who's going thru menopause and retirement at the same time with a 30 something in a new job. so i salute her for her bravery and grateful for her patience and understanding, she is my pillar whenever i'm wherever i'm not suppose to be.
7. family bonding - i had a year of family companionship, only drawback, friendships were lost along the way.
8. last but not least, an awesome trip to bond with cousins and mum. Fabulous weather, scrumptious food, splendid company, gorgeous scenery, affordable shopping.

What more can i ask for?? 

errrrr........ One more thing. but i'll leave that for later.

Thank you God for the good and the bad of 2012. I'm truly grateful for all that has happened.

I Thessalonians 5:18 – In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

understanding to be understood

"There is no one, absolutely not a single soul who can totally... completely.... understand you."

BUT!

When there is NO ONE who persist in making an effort to TRRRRRYYYY to understand you, accept you and love you... (for who u are) then THAT! is very sad.

Solution : dig a hole n bury urself. ok that's not practical.

Alternative solution : Avoidance, be passive or even transparent. 

Adverse reaction : You WILL be forgotten. there's not much worth in being alive.

                                                                ......                                                                

i seek for the longest time,
a like minded person.

there is none.

i know i am quire, melancholic n some what eccentric.
i never expect anyone to accept me with open arms immediately.
i'm atypical and a non conformist (unlike general public).

what's there to like about me?

                                                                ......                                                                

it is difficult for anyone to love me,
cos i cant love myself.
it is also difficult for me to love diversities,
cos i do not have love at all.

How does one acquire love?

is it inert or is it learnt?
is it already in my genes?

                                                                ......                                                                

who does not want to be understood?
who does not want to share their lives with others?
who does not want to be accepted and welcomed?

but when differences are conflicting so resoundingly and outstandingly,
who will be able to put aside their differences and embrace you?

                                                                ......                                                                

we are all flawed.
only with flaws, makes us exclusive.
why are we constantly correcting our flaws (just to conform to the society),
denying ourselves of the uniqueness?

                                                                ......                                                                

my life long quest for love continues.....

The dance in a VOID.

i used to feel diffident from the way i look.
but i did not realize it was more of my character and personality that irks people.
then it don on me that i'm actually quite bimbotic and ignorant.
i dont know much about politics, economy, housing, insurance.

now i feel embarrassed abt my personality.
i'm a shamed of who i am. i turned to isolation.
i compare myself to the people around me and i'm not even on par to their level.
call me green eyed but they are some Frens i admire and wish i could be like them.

Karen Tay for her level headed-ness,
Serene Wong for her general knowledge.
Kelvin lim for his talent.
Terrence for his determination towards his passion.
Cody for his personality.
Yvonne Chong for her determination.
Shereen for her patience and determination.
Marc Chong for his patience and discipline.

People fantasize about being supers stars, singers, actors.
ME? i only fantasize about being as good as one of the above people.

its almost a yr since i gradually isolated myself from my only frens.
and i can only wonder why no one have asked me out on a one to one date like b4?
no one sat me down to really try to understand what i'm going thru?
call me self centered n inconsiderate, but i was just feeling lonely and outta sorts.
i was looking for comfort. looking for my frens but where were they?

essentially i've only 3 bunch, life saving frens, sec sch frens, and ex colleagues (almost like family).
yet to them my absence is just a mode of seeking attention.

i don't think i'm asking for much. i only want to be impt to these people.
people who values my opinions even tho they are senseless most of the time.
people who would just listen to my babbling and not give their advice.
people who would accept me and not wish i'd change even if its for the better.

                       _______________________________________________________

so to all my frens if u guys EVER read this post,
i can only hope u will just give me a call and date me out.
i will not initiate not bcos i'm being stubborn
but bcos just wanna know how impt i am to u. 

빅 Big OST

자꾸 겁이나 널 사랑해서
jaggu geobina neol saranghaeseo

I keep getting scared because I love you

더 다가서면 멀어질까 말도 못해 바보처럼
deo dagaseomyeon meoleojilgga maldo mothae babocheoreom
          I worry that you might get farther if I get closer  So I can’t even talk like a fool

널 생각하면 아린 마음에
neol saenggakhamyeon arin maeume

My heart grows faint at the thought of you

한숨만 나와 실없이 웃다 울어 너 때문에 아파
hansumman nawa shileopshi utda uleo neo daemune apa

 I just let out sighs and randomly laugh and cry  It hurts because of you

너라서 이렇게 사랑하는 너라서
neoraseo ireohge saranghaneun neoraseo

* Because it’s you, because it’s you that I love

몇 번도 참을 수 있어
myeot beondo chameul su isteo 

 I can hold it in several times

처음부터 너 하나밖에 난 몰랐으니까
cheoeumbuteo neo hanabakke nan mollasteunigga

Because I only knew you from the start

다 너라서 이렇게 보고 싶은 너라서 사랑해
da neoraseo ireohge bogo shipeun neoraseo saranghae

 ** Because it’s all you, because it’s you that I miss, I love you

너무 아프지만 너무 힘들지만 너라서 난 괜찮아
neomu apeujiman neomu himdeuljiman neoraseo nan goaenchanha

 It hurts so much, it’s so hard but because it’s you, I’m okay

언제나처럼 마음 졸리며
eonjenacheoreom maeum jorimyeo

As I always have worried

또 바라보고 또 기다리다 지쳐 너 때문에 슬퍼
do barabogo do gidarida jichyeo neo daemune seulpeo

 I look at you, I wait for you and get exhausted  Because of you, I get sad

너라서 이렇게 사랑하는 너라서
neoraseo ireohge saranghaneun neoraseo

* Because it’s you, because it’s you that I love

몇 번도 참을 수 있어
myeot beondo chameul su isteo

 I can hold it in several times

처음부터 너 하나밖에 난 몰랐으니까
cheoeumbuteo neo hanabakke nan mollasteunigga

Because I only knew you from the start

다 너라서 이렇게 보고 싶은 너라서 사랑해
da neoraseo ireohge bogo shipeun neoraseo saranghae

** Because it’s all you, because it’s you that I miss, I love you

너무 아프지만 너무 힘들지만 너라서 난 괜찮아
neomu apeujiman neomu himdeuljiman neoraseo nan goaenchanha

 It hurts so much, it’s so hard but because it’s you, I’m okay

너라서 이렇게 사랑하는 너라서
neoraseo ireohge saranghaneun neoraseo

* Because it’s you, because it’s you that I love

다 너라서 이렇게 보고 싶은 너라서 사랑해
da neoraseo ireohge bogo shipeun neoraseo saranghae

Because it’s all you, because it’s you that I miss, I love you

자꾸 욕심이나 자꾸 눈물이나 너라서
jaggu yokshimina jaggu nunmulina neoraseo

I keep getting greedy, I keep crying   Because its you,

다 너라서
da neoraseo

because it’s all you

BIRTHDAY GIFTS for a practical person.

MY BIRTHDAY WISH LIST.....

Year after year....
To me the greatest gift is ur unconditioned sincere unpretentious friendship.

before i say my 'I WANTs'
let me say my THANK YOUs....

Thank you cos i won't feel bad throwing away the 'its the tot that counts' gift...
Thank you cos i know i'll surely use it meaning to say ur money is well spent...
Thank you cos u're doing me a favor cos u're saving me the time n money to get it...
Lastly... Thanks la... hahaha cos its my birthday... weeee~

so here goes.... *i dun need surprises so just in case others may get me the same thing u might wanna get kindly comment below....

• $$ contribution to my iphone 4s (switching frm singtel to Starhub)
•  watch the following movies with me..... $10
• What to expect when u're expecting
• marvel AVENGERS in IMAX $25
• Dark shadows
• Snow White and the Huntsmen
• go cycle/run at ECP or cheong 40laps in the pool with me!! sweat it out like old times....

• Gmarket - BLACK 3 pin plug AC adaptor & BLACK cable (iphone Accessories) & 4usb power adapter.

• Gmarket - Ext battery charger power bank - black

• Gmarket - Olioclip fisheye + macro + wideangle len for iphone 

•  TP link from bishan

yup so here it is....
once again Thanks so much...
i really appreciate the gesture...
i'm too practical for "its the thought that counts" kinda gift... sorry....

love ade.

the meaningless of a question mark.

why must my every action be dictated by how others' feelings?

why can't i be allowed to be upset and not let it affect the ppl ard me?
why must i be considerate?
why can't i be selfish?

we humans are not allowed to be angry?
anger must not be shown to others?
must only be hidden somewhere in a deep dark corner.
or suppressed?

how to handle my emotions?
why do i drive myself mad day after day.
why do i keep pushing the buttons of the world?

WHY!!!! ?

argh... my head hurts. 

pointless

no talent.
no skill.
no compassion.
no heart.
no creativity.
no riches.
no self love.
no discipline.
no drive.
no patience.
no brains.
no beauty.

too lazy.
too fierce.
too emotional.
too weak.
too fat.
too irrational.
too aimless.
too free.

me.

interVIEWS INNERviews

this is why i hate interviews.
u must present urself as the best.
but only u urself knows how good u really are.

every time i made a mistake.
it seems like i was the mistake.
the mistake to hire me.

how can others have faith in me
when i don't have it in myself?

i doubt my ability.
my knowledge is so superficial.
i am a fake. i am empty.
i can only imitate.

that's how i survive.
that's the best way i know how.

my so called friends.

oh i have friends
most dun last more than 3 months.
i have friends who 'think' they know me.
but they really don't.
i have some good frens
but i amazingly manage to push them away
by being me.

i only have frens when i'm fun and happy.
when i'm a bitch n depressed.
they shunt away me.
or rather they rather didn't know i exist.
no one persisted to be beside me.
no one.

they have their lives.
they have their own frens
their own partners, families.
i can only say this
because i have no value to them.
i am a fren less valued.
a fren one rather not have.

i'm just too difficult to have around.
too much a pain.

if only they knew my pain.

the end of hibernation

i said enough. 
i have to up myself.
i am shit cos i did it to myself.
i am crazy cos i led myself to it.
i choose the easier path.
i tot i was special.
i was delusional.
following the main stream
seems to be the only way.
i used to think time was never a hindrance.
now i am running out of time
there's a reason why certain events
happen during a particular point in one's life.
but it seems mine was always delayed.
i learn things slower than others.
it took me longer to understand the reality of life.

i chose to believe it was nature and nurture that made me who i am.
but in fact it was my own doing.
i have nothing but myself.
myself as friend.
myself as enemy.
myself as confidant.
myself as counselor.
myself as adviser.
myself as slave.
why? cos no one understood me better than myself.

i could make things happen.
i could stop things from happening.
to myself.
i was playing with my life.
a life less valued.
by me.
if one can not love oneself
how will the others?

bUcKe+ L|s+

achievements
live abroad
own a horse
live in my own house / flat
produce my own short film / mtv
own a mini cooper or RAV4
be someone's special one
get a degree?
learn korean and french


travels
train tour Europe
Sweden
Mongolia
Germany
Israel
turkey / Istanbul
California
New York
Japan
Maldives
PPNG
Barcelona
Prague
Venice
south africa
ireland/ scotland
Fiji
swiss alps
alaska


activities
sky dive
altitude (dry) dive
cycle round taiwan once
snow ski
take a hot air balloon


that's all folks....

that's how the cookie crumbles....

it takes eons of sweat and blood building a wall
keeping me strong but it only takes a min for it to crumble to the ground.

i took 3yrs to stay away from this pain
but its here again.

haunting me.

let it go. ade let it go.

i wish i could.

so alone no one understands wat i'm going thru.

looking thru their tinted eyes.

wat happened to fresh start?

this is how i drive myself insane.

if u take tis path there's no turning back...
down deeper n deeper n deeper n deeper.

mr dove, can u tell me why are we here again?
"fly away... fly far far away...." said mr dove.

he is my peace.

HAPPY . TWENTY . 12

Resolutions.... ok i know its so cliche setting one
but i guess everyone has a to do list to in life.
short term, long term.... whichever... they're still goals.
whether or not its gonna be fulfilled, sometimes its beyond our control.

we still need to list down our goals for the coming year right??
so here we go...

1. to get my drivers liscense (auto)
2. go korea in dec
3. dive in may/june
4. get attached
5. maintain 57kg by june

i think five is a good target to start with....
lets see how it goes....

good luck!!