leopards cant change its spots

In my 3 decade plus of life
i've been seeking enlightenment
enlightenment of being mature

searching for the definition of maturity
IT took me 20 plus years to figured it out...

knowing what IT is and being IT is completely different
sadly.... i still have not attain IT.

people who know me.... i'm not who i am 10yrs ago.
i have changed... not alot... but obvious enough... noticeable.
yet up till now people still tell me to change...
change for the better...

its not a bad thing...
but i'm tired...
when can i be myself....

on the contrary to this statement...
others would say "just be yourself..."
but don't you know you contradicting that sounds?
haiz....

i'm tired of people telling to change
i'm tired of making the same mistakes
its not that i dont wanna change
u think i wanna be this way??
going around hurting people??
u think i dont get hurt myself??

hey u!! listen up?? i do ok?
i do get hurt!! double of wat u get!!
why?!! cos i make sure i hurt more than wat u do so that i dont do it over again.
but do u know that? i dont think so.
drawbacks? i isolate myself from u? why? so i dont have a chances to hurt u again!!

When u choose to leave the lives of people
u care abt there is no turning back.
U chose this path. U chose to be excluded.

Having close frens who love near u is impt.
U may choose to deny it but close frens
who lives further away will end up distancing
themselves in the end...

Call me jealous, watever.
but why do i have to be nice?
i'm sick of being a nice person.
i like to be honest, direct n in the face.
i'm loud n boisterous.
irrational at times.
this is who i am.
stop telling me this is wrong.

only when there's rotten, t
he mediocre good stands outs....
so my dear frens.... if i dont be the bitch how to make u look good? 
so pls dont hate me bcos i behave like a rude immature brat.
i'm tired of being nice.

when i say i wanna give up, its not bcos i'm weak
u think i dont know giving up equals to failure!!??
i'm tired of being myself...
bcos i'm so unlikable....

to some of u its easy being nice.
to me its not ok?

it takes effort to be a nice person.
it doesn't comes naturally to me.
i dont blame u for not understanding this point.
u havent met my family.

so now u're shaking ur head saying
"see she going into this self pitying state again"
well thats bcos i'm tired!!!
u dont have to understand wat im feeling.
i dont expect u to...

i know i have a lower EQ compared to u...
and monthly raging estrogen level is not really helpful
my tongue is the most sinful part of my body,
aside from the brain.



at the end of the day.
i just wanna be me the one God loves without be judged
be completely accepted...
when will the day come for me to the in such a place...
i really can not wait to go there.
God are u reading this??