i havent been posting
but so i post all the pant up frustrations all at one go.
all 4 post were written over different times
some dating back to 2012 november
but they all some to have a common topic
n the last post was a combined of the thoughts since 2013 october till now.
this means its not just one occassion that i have felt this way.
it has been an issue for a long long long time.
tendering...
should I?
should i leave?
theres sooo many things to think abt...
sch... finances.... next job...
i feel like a prisoner...
He replied, “Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a MUSTARD SEED, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” - matthew 17:20
"I wanna tell you something, at a certain point in your life, probably when too much of it has gone by. You will open your eyes, and see yourself for who you are. Especially for everything that made you so different from all the awful normals. And you will say to yourself but I am this person, and in that statement, there will be a kind of love. " - Phoebe In Wonderland
October 28, 2014
leopards cant change its spots
In my 3 decade plus of life
i've been seeking enlightenment
enlightenment of being mature
searching for the definition of maturity
IT took me 20 plus years to figured it out...
knowing what IT is and being IT is completely different
sadly.... i still have not attain IT.
people who know me.... i'm not who i am 10yrs ago.
i have changed... not alot... but obvious enough... noticeable.
yet up till now people still tell me to change...
change for the better...
its not a bad thing...
but i'm tired...
when can i be myself....
on the contrary to this statement...
others would say "just be yourself..."
but don't you know you contradicting that sounds?
haiz....
i'm tired of people telling to change
i'm tired of making the same mistakes
its not that i dont wanna change
u think i wanna be this way??
going around hurting people??
u think i dont get hurt myself??
hey u!! listen up?? i do ok?
i do get hurt!! double of wat u get!!
why?!! cos i make sure i hurt more than wat u do so that i dont do it over again.
but do u know that? i dont think so.
drawbacks? i isolate myself from u? why? so i dont have a chances to hurt u again!!
When u choose to leave the lives of people
u care abt there is no turning back.
U chose this path. U chose to be excluded.
but why do i have to be nice?
i'm sick of being a nice person.
i like to be honest, direct n in the face.
i'm loud n boisterous.
irrational at times.
this is who i am.
stop telling me this is wrong.
only when there's rotten, t
he mediocre good stands outs....
so my dear frens.... if i dont be the bitch how to make u look good?
so pls dont hate me bcos i behave like a rude immature brat.
i'm tired of being nice.
when i say i wanna give up, its not bcos i'm weak
u think i dont know giving up equals to failure!!??
i'm tired of being myself...
bcos i'm so unlikable....
to some of u its easy being nice.
to me its not ok?
it takes effort to be a nice person.
it doesn't comes naturally to me.
i dont blame u for not understanding this point.
u havent met my family.
so now u're shaking ur head saying
"see she going into this self pitying state again"
well thats bcos i'm tired!!!
u dont have to understand wat im feeling.
i dont expect u to...
i know i have a lower EQ compared to u...
and monthly raging estrogen level is not really helpful
my tongue is the most sinful part of my body,
aside from the brain.
at the end of the day.
i just wanna be me the one God loves without be judged
be completely accepted...
when will the day come for me to the in such a place...
i really can not wait to go there.
God are u reading this??
i've been seeking enlightenment
enlightenment of being mature
searching for the definition of maturity
IT took me 20 plus years to figured it out...
knowing what IT is and being IT is completely different
sadly.... i still have not attain IT.
people who know me.... i'm not who i am 10yrs ago.
i have changed... not alot... but obvious enough... noticeable.
yet up till now people still tell me to change...
change for the better...
its not a bad thing...
but i'm tired...
when can i be myself....
on the contrary to this statement...
others would say "just be yourself..."
but don't you know you contradicting that sounds?
haiz....
i'm tired of people telling to change
i'm tired of making the same mistakes
its not that i dont wanna change
u think i wanna be this way??
going around hurting people??
u think i dont get hurt myself??
hey u!! listen up?? i do ok?
i do get hurt!! double of wat u get!!
why?!! cos i make sure i hurt more than wat u do so that i dont do it over again.
but do u know that? i dont think so.
drawbacks? i isolate myself from u? why? so i dont have a chances to hurt u again!!
When u choose to leave the lives of people
u care abt there is no turning back.
U chose this path. U chose to be excluded.
Having
close frens who love near u is impt.
U may choose to deny it but close frens
who lives further away will end up distancing
themselves in the end...
Call me jealous, watever.U may choose to deny it but close frens
who lives further away will end up distancing
themselves in the end...
but why do i have to be nice?
i'm sick of being a nice person.
i like to be honest, direct n in the face.
i'm loud n boisterous.
irrational at times.
this is who i am.
stop telling me this is wrong.
only when there's rotten, t
he mediocre good stands outs....
so my dear frens.... if i dont be the bitch how to make u look good?
so pls dont hate me bcos i behave like a rude immature brat.
i'm tired of being nice.
when i say i wanna give up, its not bcos i'm weak
u think i dont know giving up equals to failure!!??
i'm tired of being myself...
bcos i'm so unlikable....
to some of u its easy being nice.
to me its not ok?
it takes effort to be a nice person.
it doesn't comes naturally to me.
i dont blame u for not understanding this point.
u havent met my family.
so now u're shaking ur head saying
"see she going into this self pitying state again"
well thats bcos i'm tired!!!
u dont have to understand wat im feeling.
i dont expect u to...
i know i have a lower EQ compared to u...
and monthly raging estrogen level is not really helpful
my tongue is the most sinful part of my body,
aside from the brain.
at the end of the day.
i just wanna be me the one God loves without be judged
be completely accepted...
when will the day come for me to the in such a place...
i really can not wait to go there.
God are u reading this??
extremist can not be balanced....
EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT BEING BALANCED
BUT.....
I finally understand.
Some people like me CAN NOT live a balanced life.
I AM AN EXTREMIST.
I'm either the best or/& the worst
the prettiest or/& the ugliest.
the weakest or/& the strongest
the friendliest or/& the rudest
the happiest or/& the saddest
the boldest or/& the shiest
the stupid-est (spelt on purpose ok?) or/& the smartest
u ask me again to be balanced?
i smack u ah!!
BUT.....
I finally understand.
Some people like me CAN NOT live a balanced life.
I AM AN EXTREMIST.
I'm either the best or/& the worst
the prettiest or/& the ugliest.
the weakest or/& the strongest
the friendliest or/& the rudest
the happiest or/& the saddest
the boldest or/& the shiest
the stupid-est (spelt on purpose ok?) or/& the smartest
u ask me again to be balanced?
i smack u ah!!
U are ur social circle
you can judge a person by the size of one's social circle
it's not that i don't have frens, it's just that i chose not to be around people
cos i know given a choice they'd choose to hang out with other people over me.
why? cos i'm boring. that simple.
cos all i do is talk crap and talk about my unrealistic goals and dreams and letting out steam.
having frens who do not understand and support your fantasies and dreams is just a torture.
they're not terrible people, in fact by the standards of others they are the best possible frens any body could ever ask for.
but not for me.
honestly i really don't need suggestions nor ur advise i just need ur ears.
i dont need u to tell me my problems n solutions.
i just need u to listen to my grumbles n talk crap.
the more crap i let out the more i wont do crap.
i dunno how many of u know that i do think ahead.
i have yet to meet one that understands this
Not having a healthy social circle,
i became more self centered and uninterested on the affairs of others.
________________________________________________
why cant people see that i m having difficulty trying to cope.
being around people who do not value your advise,
who think that ur suggestion is unfeasible cos its lack of thought
i only have ONE friend and she's in perth.
she has her own problems
but she's strong, she too is tired.
we're both tired.
when can we rest?
it's not that i don't have frens, it's just that i chose not to be around people
cos i know given a choice they'd choose to hang out with other people over me.
why? cos i'm boring. that simple.
cos all i do is talk crap and talk about my unrealistic goals and dreams and letting out steam.
having frens who do not understand and support your fantasies and dreams is just a torture.
they're not terrible people, in fact by the standards of others they are the best possible frens any body could ever ask for.
but not for me.
honestly i really don't need suggestions nor ur advise i just need ur ears.
i dont need u to tell me my problems n solutions.
i just need u to listen to my grumbles n talk crap.
the more crap i let out the more i wont do crap.
i dunno how many of u know that i do think ahead.
i have yet to meet one that understands this
Not having a healthy social circle,
i became more self centered and uninterested on the affairs of others.
________________________________________________
why cant people see that i m having difficulty trying to cope.
being around people who do not value your advise,
who think that ur suggestion is unfeasible cos its lack of thought
i only have ONE friend and she's in perth.
she has her own problems
but she's strong, she too is tired.
we're both tired.
when can we rest?
FROG named PAUL
there once was a frog,
his name was Paul.
Herman lived in a well.
Everyday he would gaze at the sky above and dream about the life beyond his little well.
He dreamt day and night, fantasizing on the lavish life he'd have living in the outside world.
but all he did was dream and did nothing to achieve it.
He had many friends and they would share their experiences with him.
Unknowingly letting him in on their adventurous escapades, planting the little seedling deeper into his mind. The seed of hope. He longed to be there with them but all he did was grumbled was how difficult it was to achieve it and continued to sit in his comfy little well mopping away.
He thought if only one day someone would throw a rope down and he'd be able to use it to climb up the well and free himself. He thought and thought and thought about all the possibilities. But when he opened his eyes, he was still in the well.
Hi i'm Paul.
Have u see the world outside this well?
his name was Paul.
Herman lived in a well.
Everyday he would gaze at the sky above and dream about the life beyond his little well.
He dreamt day and night, fantasizing on the lavish life he'd have living in the outside world.
but all he did was dream and did nothing to achieve it.
He had many friends and they would share their experiences with him.
Unknowingly letting him in on their adventurous escapades, planting the little seedling deeper into his mind. The seed of hope. He longed to be there with them but all he did was grumbled was how difficult it was to achieve it and continued to sit in his comfy little well mopping away.
He thought if only one day someone would throw a rope down and he'd be able to use it to climb up the well and free himself. He thought and thought and thought about all the possibilities. But when he opened his eyes, he was still in the well.
Hi i'm Paul.
Have u see the world outside this well?
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