Summary and RESOLUTIONS!!!

2005 (i've done/achieved)

jan : went to bangkok
feb : a start of a new hobbie; movie marathon
mar : started to exercise training
apr : went to an international dive trip (Layang Layang Dive Resort)
may : Birth of Amphibians Dive Club; clownfish
jun : start of Dive Master Course
jul : met up with a buddy leaving for brunei
aug : Redang trip and Trf to Ward 12B with brand new hairstyle
sep : started sliming program
oct : achieve targeted weight
nov : achieved my 60th dive (half way to becoming DM)
dec : paid off dive gears

2006 (i'll ...)

1. Reach my FIRST century dive
2. Reach 55 - 52kg
3. Go Hong Kong, Sipadan/Manado
4. start to look out for new jobs

hopefully, all my resolutions can be met...

we miss you.

A feeling, surprised i even had.

Strange emotions seeping thru the cracks of this heart.

Uncontrollable, unusual, and unforgettable.

The sense of lost, abondonment, and grief.

This feeling brought along with it pain and disappointment.

________________________________________________________________

The feeling was like something stuck at the back of the throat.
Not knowing to swollow it or to cough it out.
This lost of uncertainty was uncomfortable.
Yet it is something that must be confronted with.
The unbearable pain, no medicine could remove or lessen.
_____ ... __________________ ... _____

A friend beyond words.
A buddy beyond brothers.

A brother so dependable.
A son so filial.
A man of his word.
A lover with no boundaries
A colleague who help in his best ability.
This is who you are to us.

And how you will be remembered.

our hearts are with you, and yours in ours.

_____________________

dedicated to 'ah Nic'

310583 to 181205

my FIRST crew trip

WOOHOO.... its the last trip of the yr. After seeing manta on the previous trip, think we're on a manta chase this time.... everyone crossing fingers, toes, eyes and anything that can be crossed... but i still think its bcos of adriana that we got to see it the other time. she's quite a lucky charm... cos she saw it on the weekend of her birthday too... (did i say she's a babe too)

WELL, the whole trip went fairly bad from the start, due to the approaching monsoon. it started to rain once we boarded the coach. After crossing the customs, running to the bus was horrid... i think most of us (jrs only, cos seniors all sit in another coach... A.S. P.O.S.) probably ate mud at one point or another... all wet and sticky (from rain water) it was hard for all of us to slp so we gossiped on who's greg toking to on the other side of the phone.

FINALLY..... mersing jetty.... n i tot we'd nv reach there... the journey seems particularly long after we left PROjet. While waiting for other divers to board the boat, i gave out free shoulder and back massages to some of the senoirs who apparently think i'm quite good at it and tot i should go BKK n make some business out of it... which i think was hilarious...

ANYWAY, the boat decided to finally leave for dayang, n like i said b4 due to monsoon the ride over was.... yes HORRIBLE!! water kept splashing everywhere but ming n may and daniel had no choice but to sit on the deck... u should check out ming's amazing chemo wind breaker... its the ultimate i tell u... i've only have this to say abt it... 'u can only see his face' literally... but wat was the funniest was daniel trying to get in in between ming n may (who were lying side by side tightly) like a spoilt little brat trying to take cover from the rain... couldn't stop laughing as i sat at the bench braving the rain with other seniors, while the rest of the jrs were slping inside the 'oven'.

OK, so far has been boring boring and more boring.... so anyway, if in a nut shell... the climax of the 'fairly bad' crew trip was that i had jellyfish stings all over my body including my face... unbarable itch and the ultimate disfigured face... (yes i know i'm not dat good looking to begin with so there's not much of damage). To end the trip on a worst note, the weather took a sudden change on sunday morning our last dive was the scariest dive i've ever had... vis was terrible... current was strong and once we descended, everyone disappeared... how freaky is that when u dun have a buddy with u... if i had time to pull my hair underwater... trust me i would....

WE descended @ crocodile bay and drifted westwards back to the jetty... our pre-dive plan didn't really workout at all everyone was doing their own thing... and as usual i was clueless... somewhere out of nowhere i saw dennis and i jusst followed him at the best i could... so after much navigation and finning, we finally arrived at the jetty. At the end of this dive, there's only 1 word to discribe me at that time... HOPELESS.... and call myself a DM... shame on me...

ON our way back, the rain didn't spear us one bit, but i tot it marked a good end to a 'fairly bad' trip. As smart as i am, i was sound asleep on the sun deck wrapped in my ground sheet and wind breaker (after i learnt my lesson from previous trip). Though we didn't really enjoy the packed lunch, i appreciated the effort by finishing my share (yes i was hungry la ok!). Anyway, we all had our dinner at the restaurant at mersing jetty then headed back or sing... it was the one time we arrived sing super early.

MANTAs oh MANTAs

Location : PULAU DAYANG
Dive site : ..... secret....
Date : 22/10/05
Time in : 5:16pm
Visibility : 8m

Negative dscend, mild current, drift dive. 10mins into the dive, 2 most magnificant creatures glided by... excited as we were... we could only admire them from afar. The feeling was exhilarating. This sighting was the first for me and a few others. Counting my blessings, i'm too lucky... caught a glimse of it on my 53rd dive. This experience has motivated me to continue on and encourage more to join me in this extreme sport and thrilling life style. The world below is simply immense, with vast variety of God's creations.

SOMETHING's tiNgLinG inside me....

*whispering* hey... jus to let u in on a little secret of mine...

i'm a few inches closer to my target...

with slightly more discipline.

jus a little bit more effort.

be funny, more laughter.

will become jolly.

HAPPY!

any guesses on what my secret is...

keke :)

might as well not slp....

YES! this is another God forbidden hour blog.... the mother's flight to china is at 6plus so my as well not slp. I decided to blog. Was tokin to a bubby jus now.... thanks to her once again.... if not for her i won't have seen the light n be able to take the 1st step of faith.

There, a glimse of light at the end of the tunnel... i can see it... small yet visible.... the ever increasing anticipation to reach the exit is rising. The exhilaration is beyond description (beyond me list of vocabs that is).

my mind's a blank. The only thing i can picture is the first step of faith.

What it takes to be a VICTOR!
Preseverance, Persistence, Positivity and Priority.

What it takes to be me. (i must achieve)
Confidence, Compassion, Commitment and Christ.
Esteem, Efficient, Effluent and Evolution.


Will i make it?

to be continued.......

wat's ur view on this?

Anyone who come across this blog, give me ur opinion. (leave me a comment or email oso can)

I put this to u....

Would love someone who loves u or love the person u love?

eg. if a person likes u n u know it, would u reciprocate or reject?

pls explain ur choice.

thanks...

Breaking the Silence

Yes. i've been behaving strangely recently. reason? I wanna know myself. depression some say, lost n confused maybe. How do i explain tis? i can't even remember when it all started, all i know is my emotions inside's like a irregular heartbeat on the ECG. Even i myself dunno when i'll go crazy, when i'm normal. Some how i kinda know wat its like to be 'in twilight zone' or 'crazy' (to see things only 1 way) wanting to get out but cannot, know its wrong but still continue to do it (u know? the kinda pp when u see them like dat u'll just wanna give them 1 tight slap n ask them to wake up?) yup i feel like dat now. Maybe i've too much time on my hands, n did too much thinking. Think untill i went bonkers or paranoid some say. But then again, if wat i thought wasn't a fact n wasn't a problem then i know i was crazy n was doing something redundant. But it is a fact n it is a problem. So to a problem there's always a solution.

Hence, i've began the quest for my solution. but first let's address these problems.

Firstly, should i be so vulnerable....
Ans.... NO.

This ends the topic altogether.

I need help... from myself.... but I am my own enemy. Revolving in a meaningless mind game called Self Pity. Only i can get myself outta this 'twilight zone', just a matter of the mind. "Mind Over matter" (Dat's how atheletes pull themselves together to continue their journey) aka Determination. (the opp: LAZINESS)

Determination.... something i donot lack but without motivation, goal or date lines this determination has become procrastination. Worse when laziness sets in.

Excuses? maybe... but truly they are my reasons. So where should i find my goal, my motivation, my date line. Can someone tell me...... pls.

or maybe i am not wanting to get out of this confort zone as much as i thought.

NOT comfortable in my own skin..... identidy crisis....

People like to ask....

"To love or be loved...?"

But i'll go

"What is love?"

"How to love to?"

they say "love urself first"

Often i question people these Qns,

but the answers i get isn't satisfactory enough.

i was told i needed confidence,

Just be myself and relax.

but i dunno even who i really am sometimes.

Constantly searching for the person i am,

take on different personas for different situation.

Ending up tired, confused, and still lost!

My weakness is laziness and procrastination

and probably lack of self motivation.

I'm always contradicting myself,

say something but doing another.

Or sometimes not doing anything at all.

Therefore, i conclued this life to be totally wasted.

replies from a heavy heart...

its late but i'm still up.... result of excessive caffeine....
my current emotion's like a bull in a china shop, clumsy n senseless. after psyching myself 4 so long in believing i'm enjoying singlehood, loneliness sets in, lost n afraid, nowhere to find security... hurting both ways (self n others) unintentionally, crying but only from the inside, heart aches for no reason or rhyme. apprehensive to let any1 in. any remedies? i'm afraid i can only let it fade away by itself. n its killing me....

Your smile

My medication

Your words

My encouragement

Your hugs

My blanket of security

Your kisses

My candy

You

My source of happiness

this short poem... (borrowed from sheena)

____________________________________________________

unknowingly, momentarily taken the bitterness outta this aching heart and added a tinge of light into the bottomless pit of hopelessness.
as i gaze into the white wall behind my comp, it immediately turns into a screen as my eyes becomes a projector replaying the scenes from initial D. the intensity of the movie still vivid in my mind depicting the romance, the car chase, the passion of racing, relationship(father n son), and friendships.
yet another nite has come to an end... the day is breaking soon in a couple of hours, slp has become an uninvited guest to this foriegn mass. however somehow necessary to a certain extend. therefore my departure from this slpless dimension is crucial. nite

ONE MILLION DOLLARS...

YES! ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!! *l'il pinky at chin* hehehehe....

who doesn't want it right? But you and i know its impossible to get such an amount all of a sudden.... ok let's be more realistic. just minus 1 zero.

ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS.
$100, 000

wat will u do with it?
well here's wat i'll do with it


30K - Savings (beach cafe/pub or future)

27K - Termination of bond* (LIBERTY!!! at long last!!! but doesn't mean will stop working for company, will only leave when really outta my witts)

10K - Investments (making money grow)

10K - Tyding (a must...)

5K - Start my culinary course (start of my dream)

3K - get remainding dive gears n start my Dive master course (fulfilling of dream)

3K - to go london/paris (reliving memories)

1.5K - backpack SING to THAI (start of advanture...)

0.5K - CD albums (originals wan ok not pirated!!)

total : 90 K

balance : 10 K (to use when jobless)

*still contemplating if not money goes to savings

well, seems alot? actually there's more... of cos there's a never ending list of things to do, and there's always never enough money... *sigh* then find new job minimum wage of $1800(gross)....


so wat abt u? wat will u do with say $100,000 realistically.... hmm...?

heavy HEARTS weary MINDS

my hearts heavy....

Dinner with my buds was difficult.

Thru out these yrs of ups n downs,

There were happy, there were disappointed moments

tonite's was exceptionally tough.

Listening to her talk abt her life n family,

knowing help could not be rendered,

paralysed by reality.

....

How did she become like this?

melancholic, despondent,

solitudes, avoidance.

Her weary mind shows it all.

________________________________________

Can't u see we r here?

Our care n concern flows like a river.

Helpless as we may be

shunnig away isn't the key.

....

unlock ur heart, open ur mind.

let love sit in, let it treat u kind.

Ur heart is weary, tired & faitgue.

but someone said

"come to me n i will give u rest"

....

"U should not go thru this alone..."

dat's wat frens r for.... *started singing*

....

"Keep smiling, keep shining,

Knowing you can always count on me

For sure

That's what friends are for

For good times and bad times

I'll be on your side forever more.

That's what friends are for"

....

Last but not the very least,

our love for you will never cease.

Let this not dissimulate,

for our affections are legitimate.

________________________________________

....

this is dedicated to

my beloved fren

agree?

"love is a sexual attraction btw two parties who has respect, understanding and acceptance for each other."

i know it may seem abit lustful, but i put this to u... do u not agree that one can not fall in love with another if one can not imagine being intimate with. therefore, to rid it of its lustful aspect, there mus be "respect, understanding and acceptance".

without either aspect love can not exist.

agree?

pennys of the morning glory....

1 more day of work before i take a long break..... LAYANG LAYANG! HERE I COME!! *excitement yet apprehension*....

godma i'll really miss u... but i'll see ya soon in london at the end of the yr..... =P non the less sadness overwhelms me each time i remember that u're leaving sunny island Singapore....

its 0609am on saturday morning.... nite shift's ending soon.... pyhsical anticipation awaits the hour n minutes to crawl by, as the mental anticipation drifts into a trance; a place of desired slumber.

never before in my life have i had the feeling of amazement of oneself's hidden substance to pen down thoughts in such meticulars manner. HA.

as my mind continue to drift, the yoke of the day evolves into the clear atmosphere, releasing every single bit of freshness into the air, awakening the senses who have been hibernating thru'out the nite.

ALAS! the morning has come! the nite is over. Its a start of another day. Another day to complete a days work and tasks that were left undone. Meanwhile Shadows begin to shuffle in with hearts bowed low in weariness but bodies continues to plow like a buffalos thru the fields.

hence, my hands are obligated to retreat and here is where they left ground zero.

till we meet again....

Do They look familiar at work....

work's really getting very stale lately.... how do u achieve some fun or humour in such nauseating enviornment? see if u can identify the following in the work place around you....

1. Boot licker - always there at the worse moment to add salt n pepper when ur boss is breathing down ur neck... always doing the right thing only when the bosses will notice...
2. Slow and stead & 'can help me do this' - doing the unnecessary details pushing back other stuff that needs to be done. therefore inability to finish work load... hence "can u help me do this" ('this' meaning EVERYTHING not 1 only thing...) handing over to other pp to do...
3. Fiery temperess - mood swing like menopausing woman, temper like a menacing tiger. uncontrollable, unstopable... eccentric.
4. Modest role model - always doing the right thing.... follow the book unflexible... little miss purrrrfect.... and when in doubt? she check with others... not with one person... but "double checks" with other people.... haiz...
5. Boh chap - doesn't care abt anything anyone says just doing the work needed to be done.
6. Conniving, feigning 'girl next door' - a devious, crafty, sweetie pie plotting... every action's like a double edge sword. Causing you to wonder if her every move is genuine.
7. Bold n fiesty, quick sharp tongue - ever wonder where on earth this person gets the guts? To pull out a stunt like telling the clients or customer off... i wonder too...
8. The scapegoat (bao ka liao) - always there when the bosses need sth to be done then does everything the bosses needs <- their work la.
9. Smart worker - does only what is necessary, never doing any additional stuff. minding one their owns bussiness.
10. "I know everything" -> "role model wanna be" - never ask anyone qn, always assuming things, never double checking. messing everything most of the time. no respect for seniors.
11. Obedient quite worker - does work quietly, diligently, sometimes a bit blur blur but still won't irritate u. expresses intensions well seldom get misunderstood.
12. Double standard manager - double crosses u, the worst nightmare when it comes to bosses. pick on people they think alwasys makes mistakes, does not seperate work n personal matters. Insecure person.
13. Naggaholic - repeats over and over about certain things, "selectiver listener" only listens what they wanna hear and block out the rest.
14. Slacker loud speaker - goes to break on time, comes back late, does slip shot work, then tries to hide it/cover it up. always thinks they're smart (some are, some aren't)

Only now actions will speak a thousand words.

Met up some frens yeaterday... was given a nice good tok on my so called well planned future.... it seemed like i had it all planned out already yet they still managed to fill all my oblivious loopholes with qns i've yet to think abt... which leads me to an unavoidable qn "r u (ur character) ready to take on the challenge" n instantly i knew i wasn't. That really shook me up inside... cos meaning to say all this time i was just psyching myself up to a level of pretence of comfort, confidence n readiness. when i fell right back down to reality i wasn't prepared for wat was needed to be done. Till now the bleakness of my future left me in a state of shock, its as if a magician has just turned a piece of paper into confetti by a blow into his fist. And along with it it took my heart. *sigh*

nontheless, this hasn't stop me from moving on. my target is still there waiting for me to achieve. "nothing's stopping u now, except urself!" my fren commented. "its a matter of how badly u want it". And i know i do want it. "there's a boulder in front of u. R u going to wait for some1 to coming along ur path n push together with u (if no1 comes wait till ur hair turns grey) or start trying alittle by little to move it? dun wait for any1 to help u cos no1 will go the same path as u. u have to do it on ur own." i'll nv 4get this phrase for as long as i live n so as the person who told me.

And only now will ACTIONS speak a thousand words.

identity crisis....

how should i put this? i can't believe i'm still trying to find who i really m, trying to build a certain style, or wat some mite call originality. this i learnt from AI when simon cowell said "everyone's got originality but i can't see dat in u... u're just like a copying machine".
this statement stuck in my thick head for as long as i know, n i've been trying to find myself ever since. i'm in a mess now, my mind's a blur. everything everyone says is starting to mess with my mind.
i desperately need to go for some motivational talk.... i'm really too sick n tired of this person. but too exhausted to wanna do anything.

help.

brains or beauty?

many pp say brains beat beauty anytime.... but often without beauty u mite not get wat u wan...
which would u choose if u had to.... brains? i guess as much.... well so do i.... but unfortunately.... i dun even have either.... how to choose?